“Lord, You go before me & follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! I’m believing that You can bring blessing through cancer, and I’m trusting You to choose the blessing. Amen.”
I read this prayer, adapted from Psalm 139, this morning in my book “50 Days of Hope.” It was good for me. I needed it.
It’s hard to convey the feelings and emotions that we feel when we go through something that changes us so much isn’t it? Over the last 32 years of marriage, family, life, & working with students, families, and people, I have known, and been blessed to walk beside, so many people that have faced life altering moments. But even as I walked with them through whatever they faced, I would always go back to my life, family, & circumstances. They had to continue facing whatever it was everyday they woke up as they tried to figure out their new normal moving forward. I would always try to stay consistent & engaged, but there was no way I could understand.
When Multiple Myeloma came to our door 480 days ago, a lot changed. When a moment like that comes into your life, as many of you know, everything is affected. Initially, everything seems to stop, but yet it doesn’t. You have to figure out a lot. Diagnosis. Prognosis. Treatment plan. Direction. Choices about what you feel is best for you and your family. Everyone pitches in & wants to help. Everyone is impacted. We make major adjustments to schedules & life because something major has forced so much to take a back seat. You navigate input, options, opinions. In the midst of it all, you still have life, bills, obstacles, work, and family. Life doesn’t stop. Today, I know a little more of how all those people I walked beside must have felt as the dust settled and life picked back up and a new normal ensued.
I’ve not been very good at updates lately. I know God wants to use all of this, and I am getting there, I hope. I am confident, believe it or not, that we are somehow closer to a call/purpose that God gave Donna and I 13 years ago too. I’ve just struggled. Beat myself up for not doing more, handling things better, making better choices, being more disciplined, & seizing the opportunities I’ve had presented to me. Life seems to choke me at times.
As with anything bigger than us we are called to do, resistance isn’t gonna give up. Cancer is still a daily presence. Daily/monthly treatment & choices are still here. Life still presses. And, it doesn’t just affect me, but it has impacted my wife, kids, & family. Whatever was present before cancer/tragedy is still there and waiting to be resolved/faced. Many times it’s heightened and demands resolve, and honestly that’s not a bad thing. But, That’s another blog.
I’m not sure how a lot of this is gonna resolve, but I know it will. I’ve seen it happen & been amazed. As the verse says at the beginning of this blog, God knows. He sees. He’s already there. Just because I can’t see it or know it, doesn’t mean he’s not working through all this. He is. His plan is always best, and it never looks like we thought it would look.
(The picture was taken one year ago after my last treatment preparing for my stem cell transplant. Seems like a lifetime ago)
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:5-6
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