I miss ya today Dad.
It was a long treatment day at the Cancer Center. So, when I got home I put some coffee in my “P Carroll” mug & got out the legendary “Freak Hat”. I honestly just sit there and stared at it for a little bit. It helped me feel ya there in that moment Then I put it on. While It doesn’t fit my fat head like it did you, it sure felt good to have it on. Then as God would have it, DeeDee called me at the exact time I was having my moment. It was good to share that with her too. She misses you obviously, but as I’m sure you know somehow, she’s doing so good. AND, she’s handling ALL of those puppies great too.
So, About this time, on treatment days over the last year & 2 months, before June 15th, we’d FaceTime. I always looked forward to that time with you & DeeDee.
Now, over the course of my life you somehow knew a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff. It just who you were (IFYKYK). You could chat it up for sure, I( know many of you are thinking “like you have any room to talk Steven,”) but on those FaceTime calls there were a few things I could count on that were special.
First, you listened like never before. You wanted to know exactly what was going on with me and You heard me. From day 1 of my diagnosis you wanted all the info you could get. You asked questions, then of course you’d theorize a bit while DeeDee patted you on the leg (your cue to listen again ), but I didn’t care one bit how long you talked. I needed those moments. Man, that meant lot. You were there & the love, compassion, & concern poured into the moment. Nothing like getting that from your Dad.
Second, you’d always have on the Freak Hat no matter what!! Maybe even the shirt. I hear from so many how you’d share with those around. You too about my condition & update then after all our calls You & DeeDee would offer words of love & support & cheer me on. Gosh, there truly was NEVER a day in my life that you didn’t believe in me Dad! Never! You’d support whatever I did & tell me stories of “Steven Carroll moments” to affirm that I could do more than I realized. Then you’d tell me how much you loved me & how dang proud you were of me. I can almost hear that voice of yours saying “I love you Steven Carroll!” And, while I can’t physically hear you say that today, I know you are screaming it at me right now with Jesus & a host of witnesses all around me.
NEXT, you’d check on my wife Donna Lee. How was she doing? What did she need? How can we help? You loved her & our family so much. They loved their Pop too! I can still hear my kids laughing with you as you did your “Pop Thing.”
Finally, we’d talk about getting together more face to face. I try not to regret Dad, because you can’t go back, but I sure wish I’d pushed a little harder there & made that happen a few more times. I also wish we’d took more pictures. As we said so often, and we were told, we sucked at picture taking But, we did soak up the moments as best we could. And by the way, you have no idea how much it meant when you came down in my surgery day to get my port out in & back procedure done. A picture of us then would have been nice! Dangit.
I’ve got a few small things of yours around my desk that are always motivating factors in my life. You were a great example of LIVING LIFE to the fullest. You soaked every minute out of life. A lot of folks have told me over the last few months how much I remind them of you. I love that more than ever before.
I also still have your number on my favorites. Just don’t want to take it off. Probably won’t. I loved hearing your message when I called, “This is Phil & you still know the drill.”
So many moments over the last few months, when I had the urge to call you. To tell you something that had happened, or FT ya & show you something, or when I’m on the road to update you on the kids and just talk like we used to do. But, You’re just not there. But, I believe what Lori Lee said the other day is so true.
“You’re closer than we know.”
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